Dear Diary,
Looks like I'm back here, well it's been really long since i stopped again although i promised to continue blogging during my last post..
As usual a lot happened.. some unhappy and some happy ones..
Actually during this long period i've been wanting to write but somehow i just kept procrastinating and eventually forgotten to note down all my thoughts and life experiences..
Sometimes i really wondered what god had in plan for me for my life.. Like what people said perhaps i still hasn't learnt what life wanted me to learn, therefore i will keep facing the same problems and making the same mistakes..
The drive which made me wrote again today was given by G.E.M, went to her concert last night 30/01/15 which was the first of her 3 nights concert in Singapore for her X.X.X world tour.. I must say that i was just a normal fan of her music before last night, but after listening to her live concert, her music and voice's really inspired and touched my heart..
Life's short sometimes we really shouldn't brood over spilled milk or stay too long in our sorrows, i've known all these theories about life but executing them really just seem very difficult. At many point of my life i feel as if I'm the only person behaving this way, everyone out there seem to be behaving differently.. I'm sorry if you're reading this and not knowing what I'm talking about as I'm just blogging blindly about my thoughts..
Perhaps i just didn't had the right people beside me who could give me the right advise and help at the time of need. Whenever I'm down all they could do is give general words, who would really be there to reach down deep into your sorrows and give you the right healing touch? Not many would and could.. Over time i've already given up on it and learnt to keep things to myself..
Friends? People who claim to be friends were merely just passerby, when you needed help how many will really take time off their task and learn to understand how to make you feel better? It's not just simple words, simple meal, or simple companion.. It's about being real! and not just for the sake of doing it, and behind your back telling other friends or people that "its normal", "oh thats him"..
Im tired.. and i can't be bothered about friends anymore.. if friendship is just merely about having someone to accompany you for meals or over the weekend to chat about senseless topics then i rather not have friends.. why spend time to be with people whom aren't even true to you? isn't it just a waste of time?.. I've seen what friends can do.. being pissed off just because you're being yourself and can't spend time with them? when you're upset instead of being understanding they expect you to pick up their calls and reply their messages.. Do they give a dam about how you feel? Why you're not replying, why aren't you answering.. It's because we need a break from life.. and instead of giving you space they tried to drag you out.. using their own perception that bringing you out would make you feel better? How does it helps when during the meet up we still had to put up a smile like everything's alright so that we don't affect the whole group who's out to enjoy their weekends..
On the other hand i've friends whom seek you for help when they're in need of cash, and giving tons of promises and lies just to make you believe in them and lend them the cash.. and when we asked them back for it, they actually quarrel with you over it.. All these heartbreaking experiences made me feel that true friends doesn't exist anymore.. Now everyone's just using each other for networking or companionships.. How ironic.... Is this what's life's about? It sure isn't the way how i wish life to be..
I've kept too much emotion bottled up.. till the extend i feel that I'm being consumed by it...
Will continue next time, have to go out for work now..
P.S G.E.M, you truly inspired me. although i'm not your loyal fan, but you did left me a very memorable night with your music and speech last night.
Dear Diary,
Been such a long time since i sat down and wrote about my life.
Listening to this song introduced to me by someone :) Well i must say i still love eurodance/techno/vocal trance.. never fail to put me in a state of trance and self reflection about my life..
I cant believe that in a blink of an eye it's been like a year plus since i last updated..
Tons of things happened in my life, mistakes, regrets, self pity, smashed ego/pride and many more.. alot of heartaches events.. but this week i woke up from it.. people really grow through hardships and life experiences.. i did alot of self reflection and thinking..
cant say that im writing with a clear mind now but at least i got this invisible force pushing me and letting me see things clearer now..
As a virgo, i really held on to things too tight.. not that im a horoscope freak but.. i must say that my natural character really matches it at least 90%.. being perfectionist and emotional as my biggest flaws..
looking back at my previous post i can see that i tried so hard before to get myself somewhere but i fell back to square zero when i was struck with emotional issues.. i locked myself up again and cut off social interaction.. perhaps thats a self defense mechanism? when someone just could'nt know how to react/face the real world they choose to avoid/divert/detour? I'm being weak this way i know and i'm struggling to face and improve this area.
its sickening and tiring to please everyone, when they need you, u're expected to do certain things. when u need them? they are miles away or they wouldn't even bother as much as you did.. its through all these little experience one start to feel a lot of things in life is pointless and not worth caring for.. why is it that some of us has to always be taken for granted by the majority.. is it because we're nice so we've to be treated like that? when you always feel that you're alone when you're upset is this some sort of psychological issue or is there something really wrong with people around you that you feel that you're close with them but yet you cant spill out all your emotions and thoughts?
whatever you do, i am expected to understand and appreciate be it whether i share the same understanding towards your actions which were 'supposedly' meant for me. whenever you apologizes you expect me to forgive whatever you've done or said immediately.
what do you take me as? today was suppose to be a "important" day for us.. but well i think its more to me after seeing how you treated it. never dress up its fine, im ok.. but then worst was you kept busy with your phone all the way? didn't even bother to tell people that you are busy and reply them after you're free. we were only meeting for that short period and i cant even have your 100% attention. you know what? today is just like any other day to you.
i can really feel my importance to you man seriously.
you just slapped some senses into my head. seriously. thanks
haven even blogged for a full going 4 months..
i would say.. its been a hell of a year for me.. a BAD one..
it started with me having sever gastric issues on the first day of 2012.. and it lasted throughout for almost 1month+ the worst pain i've ever experienced and well i still have to do my part for the business.. i still forced myself to drive when there wasn't any replacement.. almost went to the hospital.. anyway right after that when i felt better i had wisdom tooth infection which resulted in me going for a surgery to remove all 4 of my wisdom tooth.. i regret not taking it out during army days man... at least its free and got free MC somemore.. sighs.. this surgery cost $2k+ sia!!
as for business.. this year has been hectic.. i dont even have any time at all for myself and not say to even pat my own pets.. im practically drained everyday.. and the work load is forever never ending and never reducing.. because there is no system in place.. basically things are like going first come first serve kinda crap.. which isnt helpful to us at all.. we just keep clearing orders without opening up new roads for ourselves.. things will never get better when the root problem is always there... cutting the leaves and branches wont stop the tree from growing..
i've given up discussing with you.. because we cant communicate at all.. i dont feel that its my fault and so do you.. its really sickening..
when im drove beyond tiredness many times i really feel like blowing up.. just because im not outspoken or firm doesn't mean you can always step over my head..
i feel really pointless sometimes.. i practically drive and drive only.. my own tasks and ideas are always undone and not carried out..
you think people don't appreciate you.. but what have you exactly given up or sacrificed ?
you like to make everyone do things the way u want it to be, you like to be the leading one.. u urself know it and i dont have to say much on that.. when people say one thing u will always have many things to counter about it to prove your point or not.. in the long run i also dont feel like saying anymore..
things u do are so hard to feel and understand that it's for the benefit for others or that you are doing for the sake of them.. becos since when would u suggest to eat something u hate or dislike just to adapt or give in? when did you ever say u would like to eat even if u're so dam bloated? but when u open ur mouth all u expect is for people to understand what u need right away and give in to your needs..
seriously sometimes i ask myself.. when u said i never appreciated what you done for me.. what exactly are they? what did you do really for me? and if u ever spare a thought for others feeling then you would at least stop smsing certain people infront of others and remove that dam DP...
sometimes i wonder why i restrict myself.. why should i give in so much? or why should i even care? why when u want to eat u have to make sure i also have to eat.. and when i want to eat u can always say u're full or watever.. have you ever thought of how u urself react when others ask the same of u?
sometimes it really make me feel like im your puppet.. when have you really tried understanding me whether im happy whether i need a listening ear or whatever.. all you ever do is fight back on what i comment about you and prove me wrong even if im right.. or changing topics.. you will never listen..
sometimes i feel so lonely inside until its like i've no one to share at all.. its pathetic when u see a person almost everyday but u feel that u cant even share out ur sadness and sorrows because this person will never give you the support and understanding you require..
there are many things which u just simply close ur eyes and dont want to care about.. even if you know whats going on.. its obvious becos there are things where you can clearly see so well even if its not right infront of u.. but things which are right infront of u, u just ignore it day by day.. as long as things continue to run smoothly u wont want to care...
i feel sad for myself.....
if this is a game to u.. yeah u've successful turn me into an unhappy person.. and reap off my future..
seriously sometimes i feel like i should break off from these chains..
i've lost my trust and faith in you.. and unable to communicate with u anymore..
its freaking annoying when im sick im still thinking about all these shit..
my trust and patience towards you had reach a limit.. probably all the basic things that i use to do is just so stupid to avoid quarrelling and conflict with your perception.. i start to feel like im a big fool.. fyi i choose business over my academic and social activities is because i respect you and believe that it's my part to share the load.. else why should i give up my interest for you and fit into your requirement and schedule list all the time, instead of asking you to slot into mine huh.. whenever u plan something you already think and assume that i will be available for sure..
today is ridiculous.. driving the whole Singapore from 3 to 10pm? you think it's convenient in your way doesn't mean they are all really that near.. you really think it's not tiring? and that they are all "just that close by each other" let me try that on you one day! you just jolly well pack and load the things and then i just get up and drive.. without even asking me.. i always keep quiet so u think im fine with it yea? last time not so bad i close one eye just do it.. now.. u really think im your slave! always calling the shot very fun right!
why am i being manipulated by you?
mind you when you say that i hasn't been contributing.. if not because of me persisting on my ways and ideas, arguing against your traditional thinking where do you think we would stand now? just because now you're on the ball doesn't mean anything much.. you can choose when you want to be hardcore and want it your way.. please do not forget that last time who was the one on the ball, committed and excited about the future.. now u expect me on be on your side as well and when im not, you jolly well drag in someone else into the picture to help you.. makes me feel like a piece of trash that can be easily replaced.. no matter what i believe i've given you the basic respect of a partner since the start till now.. if you think i did not then please STATE and tell me in my face! if you like to do such act i can also do it my way.. if you don't like it then its your problem..
it's not fair to anyone in a business to weight each individual commitment.. you are the front line warrior doing sales doesn't mean the one behind isn't doing anything to begin with.. if we were to swap place i'll jolly well take it and let you experience it yourself how tiring is my end as well.. please note that what i do doesn't reflect on what you saw only.. my sacrifice for this business is definitely not lower then whatever you've done! if i were to take your part as well then u think what? i superman? wont be tired? i believe i've been rather understanding towards you until recently..
i seriously feel like trying to be a sadist and get my own sales and just dump it to you with a list of deliveries and ask you to carry it out..
and many things you just want to do it your way, if you want to do it that way and you expect me to know certain things? if im to try all that stun on you i bet you wont feel good either.. but fear not i will start to let you have a taste of your own treatment soon..
seriously try me.. i've always keep quiet about alot of things and you just take them for granted.. that doesn't mean you can climb on top of my head and shit.. if you want to talk about respect you are the one who hasn't been giving me mine! not happy come confront me! im writing it out here cause its fucking annoying in my brain now when im still having fever and have to be pissed off!
i've enough of all your honey bees.. one after another.. its so annoying to hear your phone keep beeping with all that.. and talking to them with that soft tone like dont know what when im around.. if you dont have the basic respect of even silencing it or what.. u said i didnt care abt how u feel.. then do u even respect mine to begin with? im just like a puppet and i hate to be dominated and called around.. just because i've the freedom and ability to drive and to be anywhere doesn't mean i have to be there because you're bored and cause you can't come out.. or is it because no one is available to meet you at that point of time?
