feeling dead as usual..
sometimes certain morale lost le.. will need sometime to get it back up.. sighs really having some hesitant towards school now.. probably lost some confidence on how everything is going to be from next sem onwards..
oh well.. im feeling really trapped up.. mentally is really tiring... when someone dont even have faith in himself anymore its hard to show others or do things at his best..
how long do i need to settle all these mess and get my life back on track?...
vexed...
work is average.. but a part of me really died.. hope i can get back that spirit soon bah.. but im tired of the cycle if it were to happen again.. sighs...
什么都真的不想管。。。
maybe its better for me to be more ignorance, as im such a perfectionist and overly anxious about returns when i commit.. it just make me feel really stressed out.. i still haven get over the guilt and self blaming part..
still the same old question.. what have i achieve or attained to make me feel that everything was well sacrificed for?
today is the day when i finally realize that the dream I've been chasing after is just so one sided.. theres so much more which i've realized within the past few weeks.. but to remedy.. it would need to take quite awhile..
im just too stupid and naive to believe in you.. have faith that we can work this out as long as we share the same goal, passion and dream... but wat exactly is it now huh?.. i cant figure out anymore.. whatever ideas and methods im trying to accomplish now seem to one sided... in order to see clearer at what u've been doing.. i'll stop all my ways of doing things from today onwards..
i'll just do whats required of me.. i really felt so stupid now.. really.. after all i've done.. turn around u still blames me huh.. and think that those were the things im suppose to do on my own? those words shatters me beyond anything.. you know... u've said these sort of things quite afew times recently but today.. its going to be the LAST.. my mind has decide to stop all my ways of doing things since u doesnt recognize them as being 'required'.. its seem like i was finding trouble for myself and as if i didnt spare a thought about ur side.. thats what u made it sound like.. so fine.. from now on u call the shot and make ur own decisions and ideas.. i'll just do the things required of me..
im feeling really frustrated.. super!.. and arguing with you also doesn't make me any better.. it just made me worst when u still turn around and expect my apology when it wasn't even my fault to begin with... come on despite my emotional burden lately i still did my part didn't i? have i once failed to do the basic? stop saying about multi tasking u know i cant do that.. and which is the reason why i keep trying to get things done so i can move on to the next..
if i've been such a useless person then u can jolly enlighten me on it.. or is it becos i commit too much and u're just sick of it? u think i enjoy working round the clock? having my mind all stuck about work?? u're not the only one who requires a break! but why u must always wait till i push u then u'll react?? where is the determined u when i met u?
since we're always not on the same track nowadays i also wont want to give myself additional shit.. i wont be saying anymore of these anymore.. or brainstorm anymore ways to aid us.. yes im being stupid as doing so i affect myself also but im tired of having all these unhappiness.. so are u..
so then since what i've been doing is bringing so much arguments then i'll stop.. u wan to go slow then so be it.. u have more time then me indeed.. but im more worried about my financial future then u are..
have u ever thought that u were wrong? tell me what am i wrong about seriously.. doing too much?? nagging u too much??
u really hit me down this time..
thanks for proving that im just another idiot.. and enjoy ur night out.. after sch start please dont come and burden me anymore.. and if u want to go slow then please lets not do the push cart also cause i also find it pointless to commit to it.. and i dont want u to use it as another topic for u to come argue with me in future.. saying that u did a lot also..
I've wasted enough of my efforts.. next sem i have to spent a lot of time on my sch life u know it.. dont wait till i start school then come ask me do this and that.. and dont give me that shit feeling when i tell u i have to stay in school or unable to go with u.. when u didn't even care to make full use of time during this period of my 'holiday'....
i'll resume my normal life from now on.. though now i feel kinda lost and places may not accept my presence anymore.. on the other hand u can be who u already are..
and pls.. u wait till we've a big thrash out then u show me ur eagerness to do things by showing initiatives.. does that change anything at that second?? do u expect that i can just hop out of my frustration and say oh good job its ok now?
i seriously need to know what I've done wrong in my line of job, if u want to find fault with me.. and please no more of those rubbish which u tell me last time and come tell me afterwards that its all words said out of anger... if u want to point out my mistakes then make sure they are really things which i didn't do and guilty for!
please.. and just an example.. since the last time we had an argument till today i am still waiting for you to sit down with me go through some work and set our time line and goals etc.. but where???? even when i take out product catalog to want to discuss with you when was the last time u shown interest in it saying 'ooh we should take this product' 'ooh this is nice' 'ooh i think this will be a hot seller'...
WHEN!@~#~@#!@~!!!!!!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK! FOR U TO SHOW SOME INTEREST WHEN I NEED THEM!? SO WHAT IF U MAY HAVE SEEN THROUGH THE CATALOG A MILLION TIMES BEFORE?!@ IT WASNT WITH ME RIGHT! HONESTLY THE AMOUNT OF TIME WE SIT DOWN AND DISCUSS ABOUT PLANS AND JOLLY WELL ANY STUFF ABOUT OUR DREAMS! HOW MANY TIMES DID IT HAPPENED??!
all we do is take order and deliver.. we didn't even sit down and seriously discuss about how to solve the current issues.. brainstorm and such.. until now so many things has been delayed and dragged on... u shd know... if u dont then take it that im saying rubbish.. anyway whatever i said is always seem to be rubbish..
anyway its fine now........ so what if i bitch a million times here.. things will still the same... so im giving up.. ur words has already stung me hard enough... i've had enough of them.. i wont talk anymore... if u insist that u're right and stuff i'll just go with them from now on.. and please stop asking for my opinion in that case when you dont even respect or share mine..
i can have all the troubles but well the next day.. if i've to meet someone i'll still have to put up a strong front like im fine...
this is really tiring... haha.. i really wish i can laugh at myself.. at this point now i really feel lost.. yet again....
its really true that goals help us to move on in life.. but when we failed to catch a bus.. we suddenly realize what happened around us.. or what we've done wrong?.. it felt like u've flew up to a certain height and u just suddenly lost track and fell straight down..
im caught up in my own world now.. something which i hated.....
my heart felt like it's overloaded with emotions...
im unable to express what im feeling right now......
i wish someone can help me out of it.. instead of forcing me out of it...
but every time i fall... its the same... maybe its just because i don't know how to express? but when u express people say you're demanding isn't it?...
oh well..
the truth is.. i've been finding this solution for years.... the key to getting me out of this misery.. yes there always improvements but why is it that i always fall back to square 1? is it really that hard for me to experience pure happiness? or is it that things around me just always fail and disappoint me? causing me to lose faith over and over again.. its just like a endless cycle..
if life does have ups and downs.. i really wish to see some ups soon.....
im tired.. really.. im loosing it.....
where's the break as promised... am i having holidays now?... things are just always not as expected.... worst is despite all the endless worries, work and effort.. whats being paid off at the end? wheres the results? i just screwed it up big time.. i really dug my own grave...
as much as it doesn't seem to be affecting me.. it is causing lots of havoc mentally.. im doubting my abilities, reason and my worth being alive...
sorry for writing all these rubbish as much as i've said countless times before to never blog such things again.. but i really... cant take it.. and i don't really have much people whom i can share it with without them throwing facts at me... or worst.. saying that i affect their mood? and not to mention about those who just wont be bothered about my inner feelings..
just ignore whatever i've written.. tmr will just be another day.. and i'll not bitch it out like an daily affair..
we all know that in life we can bitch a million billion zillion times.. but at the end of the day we know its just going to be ourselves and the realistic world out there.. the facts.. we'll just have to continue walking down the road as there's no turning back nor would time stop or rewind for us...
not feeling good really.. feel really dreaded and hopeless...
虽然知道没人能帮到我。。但是还是希望有个人能安慰我。。。人都是自私的。。。
虽然希望但我也知道根本没人会。。。
这就是现实。。。。
A person can't be without goals.. But with goals comes heavy commitments and promises to oneself or another.. It's really sad and demoralizing when we can't achieve our goals or break certain expectations and promises.. Not because the goal and expectations were over demanding or too unrealistic.. But becos of some reason such as being lazy or over comfort.. I'm very disappointed myself at how screwed up everything currently is already.. I'm really eager to get things done before school term again.. But when despite me keep nagging about our tasks.. When was the last time u urself come and drag me into a serious conversation about what needs to be settled today and done? Why isit I feel that I'm so stressed out and yet I couldn't find someone who agrees or understands anymore? Where's the sense of urgency, dreams and goals which we both onces so determined on??the drive to keep rushing on work without feeling or saying tired even at 3am? Why isit that now everything became so off tracked.. On the surface it looked like we still have alot of time but think back and ask what exactly have we been doing or achieved.. Please don't tell me u're contented with what's going on recently.. I've been looking forward to a proper serious discussion with u.. But when did u even voice out urself that u want to discuss a plan with me or want to get something done.. New ideas or whatever?? Are u contented with the current system? If not please show me that u still care about it and not waiting for me to say it.. I'm really in a state of panic looking at how things are done and yes I'm really demoralized since my exams.. A part of me is blaming myself and asking what have I achieve and if it's worth it for me to chose this over studies.. I made a choice and I'm not blaming anyone.. But I really wish it hasn't been done in vain.. Everytime I step into my school now it just reminds me on what I've given up.. I practically gave up everything and placed all my hopes on this.. Tell me I'm stupid huh.. Cause I'm starting to feel that way.. Like I'm an idiot!! And it sucks to feel that way!! Think back and understand what I mean.. U wasn't like this before.. I was able to feel ur determination before.. But why now I feel like im all alone... I can't move on until I get these done.. Else I keep feeling troubled and stuck in it! And it's torturing me!
really fantastic performance.. although we waited for like 1hr30mins before the concert started..
Tara rock big time! <3 eunjung
im really given a chance to redo whatever i missed... sighs what to do.. its so hard to multi task.. i hope that to finish all the admin work before next sem.. so well at least i can have a fresh start again....
*hopefully*
*looks at the pile of task and work for moo moo*
*sighs*....
whatever it is.. whatever it is.. whats done is done.. now i just have to accomplish what i started so all my effort, time and sacrifices wont be done in vain....
我一定要成功！ 不可以因为这样而放弃！！
talking with people is really very important..
and its not just talking to one person.. for a person thats less sociable.. it seem like if they stop pushing themselves to talk they will really become mute.. worst if they're troubled all the time and full of thoughts.. and when they cant even speak freely at their own home..
i must not fall back to square one.. i need to TALK and Interact with my friends!
nowadays theres really nothing good to write about.. family life is like shit.. staying in singapore already has limited freedom with all the laws.. but its even worst to stay in a family thats empty.. and just full of unhappiness.. if we cant even be open to our own family tell me who else can we be open to?? arent family suppose to be the one right next to u supporting and consoling you always? but this has never been the case for me since i was able to think..
how can i be happy? if the home im in isnt even a happy one to begin with.. a little bit then spark a argument and shit.. sighs.. and i've got my own ego and dignity as a guy.. its really hard to do certain things or say certain things even if the situation calls for it.. its especially hard if its not your fault to begin with... sucking ur thumb and say certain things just to make peace sometimes just doesnt solve the root issue.. its just going to arise again.. and are you going to keep sucking your thumb??
sighs.. even now doing business also has to see their face.. on the surface they say they support.. but when things doesnt go their 'expectations' they are the one making the biggest fuss and noise towards me.. how can that be called as a way of being 'supportive' or 'advising'?? its more like telling me dont do anything i want to do and just follow their believes and set of rules...
even when im doing things out of being concern and for the good of the family.. they also make so much noise.. tell me.. how can someone not get depressed and eventually became dead numb to all hopes??..
yes this may happen as part of everyone's family.. but they have their happy times too when their parents might bother to ask nicely on their children's life and how are they? what they need?.. mine? what do they bother??.. i seriously cant think of anything i feel comforting enough to mention...
its just pure hollowness.. its not a warm family.. its just pure stranger and cold feeling in here.. and i've starting to become a mute.. and emotionless...
really feel like giving up many times in my life.. but isnt that back to square 1?? but on the other hand.. having a constant war with your family is really not something enjoyable..
i hate it!! which is why i cant wait to be able to have my own life!!!!!
真的不想留在这个地方！！ 很烦！！！
