this weekend has been filled with many thoughts.. and its like the first weekend i've actually went out doing my 'own' things..
sat met up with jocelyn and alvin for dinner.. chatted and stuffs.. after that i went to CQ for a drink.. but end up didn't really enjoyed much cos went too late and cant really chill at any place.. end up basically just stoned most of the time and just chatted.. only drank a bottle of beer and a few cocktails at the Clinic.. first time drinking there and actually tried their Syringe 'shots'.. pretty interesting but expensive..
it was raining super heavily and well the taxi stand was flooded.. i actually waited from like 3am? and i eventually got up a cab and got home at near 6am.. first time in my life i waited so long for a cab after drinking..
while waiting kinda seen so much drama and bit and pieces of Singapore's night life.. people getting wasted.. angry people who want to fight.. people that got injured.. even a girl who had asthma attack and some guy was actually helping her but don't know who is that.. is it a passerby or really her friend.. everyone just dint really bothered.. but just watch show.. in the end some nice people actually helped while the guy carried the girl up a cab and went off..
sighs.. the more i see the more i realize that im practically lifeless.. everyone seems to have friends who can hang out really well.. have an enjoyable hang out sessions and endless topics.. showing how close they are.. but i think its hard for me to have a really endless conversation with anyone nowadays... is that how lock up I've became? or im just thinking too much all the time before i say anything..
club music was great.. i really miss those feelings of dancing and getting high on alcohol.. it does make me smile, wear off my any burden even if its just temporary it felt like its worthwhile.. because that just a feeling of high that's indescribable.. But i didn't had any on sat becos i didn't went in to any club as it was so late already..
the crowd nowadays are so young.. seems like they are mostly 18 - 20?.. and im surprised that there seem to have alot of small ahbengs and ahlians there now.. the last time before i stop clubbing it was a hardly seen sight..
i've been having so much thoughts until i feel like its beyond overloaded..
in conclusion.. i realize i don't know what im doing anymore.. seem like back to square one.. and i've to struggle to get things back in place.. but somethings are beyond changing.. i think i still prefer to be alone.. i really hate being fake and hypocrite to attain certain success.. but still its something everyone needs in the real world.. poker face.. am i not numb enough? or im just too dead to care nowadays.. whats exactly making me so heavy hearted? is it all the responsibilities, fear, the need to sense achievements and results?
sometimes i just wish to be alone.. but i guess its impossible to get that.. in a business everything has to be done.. there's no time and allowance to stop or even pause and do some soul searching or reflection.. we just has to keep pushing ourselves no matter how we feel.. we cant be always playing with our emotions..
i've got to be stronger again.. with or without others motivation or support..
today i basically slept till noon got up then check on my rabbits and did some grooming and slight gardening.. but these alone took up my whole afternoon already.. -.-".. and i was still quite tired.. so after that just had dinner and slept awhile.. when out for run at around 11pm with 2 guys.. the run earlier suppose to make me feel better.. but stupid people have to rack up my shit past which i never wanted to hear or know about again.. it just basically spoils my night..
i need something to get away from all these............
why should i care about what others feel about me and how i would feel for if i were them? why cant i just be selfish and do whatever that's beneficial for myself? i must live for myself.... and whatever that makes me happy and good for my well being!
